Sex Isn’t Risk Free, But Neither is Being Human

Sometimes I feel like a bit of a downer in my messaging: Hey, do you like sex? Remember you might end up with some infection or virus. Have fun! 

So why be such a downer? I think of it as realistic more than a downer. Realistic messaging means reflecting back what I’ve learned as a sexual health educator working with women living with HIV. And one of the messages that I’ve heard many times is that they had no idea they might be at risk for a sexually transmitted infection (STI) with their partner. So I pass this on for consideration – you might not learn everything about your partner’s past, or what they might consider risky. Research has found people define "sex" inconsistently, so risk can be assessed inconsistently too.  They might not know about how HIV is transmitted, so a conversation about safer sex should include making sure you’re talking about the same thing.

I’ve talked to many people who think their monogamous relationships mean they don’t need to worry about HIV or other STIs. To that I say I’ve met women who got HIV in what they thought were monogamous relationships. Nobody wants to talk about it, but partners can cheat. I’m not pointing the finger at either sex specifically, although a recent piece on the topic claims men cheat more easily as they have less empathy. The article had a decidedly heterosexual slant, but I’ve known straight and gay men and women alike who’ve cheated. Lots of people are exploring "friends with benefits" relationships even when they’re already involved with someone. 

You might plan it or you might not, but affairs (or quick asides) happen. Nobody is perfect. Which can be painful to accept, if you’re on the surprised end of things. Facing imperfections and being honest about cheating (and the risks that might have been taken) is the ideal, but it obviously doesn’t always happen.  

How can someone who doesn’t know their partner is having sex with others make informed choices about safer sex? That’s the downer question.

If you’re sexually active, STIs are possible.  Talk to your doctor about screening. Commit to frank communication about sexual histories and safer sex for your and your partners. Safer sex can significantly help your odds of avoiding STIs, but it isn’t perfect: some can be passed through skin to skin contact (HPV, pubic lice, herpes, to name a few). Luckily, HIV isn’t as easy to get as some of the others, and using latex dams and condoms for oral and penetrative sex can usually do the trick in prevention. But sex has risks, planned and unplanned, enjoyable and regretful. That’s part of being human.

- Janet

Check This Out: Kat Wilder wonders Can A Marriage Survive an Affair? and a survey of young adults find sex infection frankness is the key to longevity in relationships 

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