Condom Power

One of the most common questions I hear in my work is “Why don’t women just use condoms?” Usually this question refers to male condoms, and so the answer is “Because women don’t wear condoms.” It might seem like a simple equation. We know a condom can decrease the likelihood of getting a sexually transmitted infection, so you don’t have sex without them. But as many of us know, it’s not as straightforward as that.

Sex is a dance, and a complicated one particularly at the start of a sexual relationship. You want to get the steps just right. You want things to jive so that you can enjoy yourself. Introducing the condom conversation can interrupt the dance and be downright awkward if it’s met with resistance.

Sex can also be a power game, pleasurable and thrilling. It’s great to be able to turn someone on and make them feel good. How do we use our power in sex? How does our partner? What does this mean for condom use? If we insist it’s important but our partner is reluctant, do we lose power, or gain it?

Sexual decision making is important for everyone. We have the right to be as healthy as we can be. Talking about safe sex is taking charge and saying “I want to be healthy.” But it can be met with denial of need: “I’m clean. I don’t need any of that.” Or the response might be “I don’t feel comfortable using condoms” or "They really don’t work for me."  The draw of sexual connection and intimacy can sway an otherwise strong stance on condom use. 

Thinking of condoms as sex toys can be a way of including them in the action and give you power in decision making. Actually putting one on can add to the excitement, as you know you’re ramping up the action. If you’re using female condoms, you can insert one hours before sex, but there are pros and cons to the female condom, so you may find yourself negotiating the old standard. But the old standard comes in so many varieties these days that experimentation with different types can make them less a burden and more an adventure. If you don’t know how to put on a condom, learning to do so can add to the excitement.

If you find yourself in the unfortunate situation where your partner really doesn’t want to use one, there are alternatives – intercourse isn’t everything. Multiple options mean multiple choices. Make yours for your enjoyment and your health.

-Janet

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A little condom trivia

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