My Google result proved that it’s been on human minds forever. According to one site I visited (has visuals if you’re at work), those gorgeously endowed goddess figurines from 33,000 BCE are actually “pornographic” according to an archaeologist. Phalluses of stone, the discovery that olive oil was good for more than food and plentiful erotic art illustrate that we are creatures who love to play with toys.

When my friend Ann separated from her husband, she got her first vibrator which she referred to as “my friend.” She used it solo but sex toys can be fun with a partner too. There’s no shortage of toy options, and there are lots of sex shops that cater to women. Locally we have Womyn’s Ware, and south of the border there’s the great Babeland (“sex toys for a passionate world.”) Both offer mail order.

Everyone’s feelings and desires are different about what kind of sex toy they’re curious about. In my experience, sex shop staffers want you to be pleasured and they want you to be educated. They’ll talk about safe sex and they’ll talk about how to use a product without blushing or stammering- it’s their living. No need to worry about your blushing or stammering- they’re used to it. And they’ll gracefully carry on with making sure you learn what you want so you can get what you want.

It’s in our nature to be curious. And sex toys are more mainstream than ever. Enjoy!

- Janet

I can already hear the sex education conservatives reacting that having posts about pregnancy might glorify it and encourage girls to “get” pregnant. If girls are looking for glorified pregnancy stories, they abound on many, many sites. Obviously this pregnant poster is only 10 weeks along, but I peeked at some other posts and she’s already reported on nausea, anxiety and fatigue.

As a parent, I think our kids need sexual health info that’s comprehensive, and pregnancy is certainly comprehensive. Ideally, but not always, kids are given info on how to avoid it. Having something that takes them “beyond the curtain” into following a real life one can improve health literacy and show some realities.

Offering this ongoing diary of the changing body, emotional state and life is a great idea, in my opinion. I’ll be following along for the forty weeks of pregnancy.

- Janet

Last week in Canada was the sentencing of three members of a family convicted of killing their own kin. Father, mother and son conspired to kill three daughters and a first wife. The term “honour killing” has been used and quickly refuted- what’s so “honourable” about killing women because they didn’t fit a cultural notion of acceptability? There was also a lot of attention on the community the family was part of, and representatives were quick to point out that this misogynistic killing isn’t acceptable in any shape or form.

In the Montreal Gazette, Naomi Lakritz suggests that using political correctness to call this recent case “domestic violence” just doesn’t cut it. She said the judgment in the case casts aside PC notions and calls it like it is- a horrific, culturally motivated killing that is unacceptable in Canada. She steps on tricky ground, recognizing that it’s easy to slip into racist notions that make divisions between people- but this is about violence. Violence and control of girls and women occurs in every culture all over the world, albeit to different extremes.

A piece from the Globe and Mail a couple of years ago focused on this range of violence-  while so-called cultural killings are gruesome and unacceptable, why is it that these family nightmares get the front page when the more frequent family nightmare of a man killing his wife or girlfriend isn’t noticed? Unless it’s particularly grisly, it’s not that interesting news because it happens all the time. Horrific. Point. Made. Yet it’s so common that the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists recently issued a statement urging doctors to screen women for domestic violence.

Violence initiated by males against females is rampant as well as repugnant. The dire extremity of it is death, which happens far too often, publicized or not. But action of controlling a woman’s choices about her clothing, friendships, sexual health and choices in sexual relationships is everywhere in every country and too many homes.

We hope, but can’t can’t assume, any backyard is safe.

- Janet

Some may think talking about one’s personal demons so openly is a bad plan, but I think it’s a personal choice and really appreciate her honesty.  One of the things I track for You Should Know is articles on mental health and women. The focus at YSK on midlife and beyond can’t escape the emotional ups and downs of perimenopause, which can bring depression and/or anxiety. Both ends of that spectrum can be isolating and feel so shameful.  

A recent report says that one in five Americans have had mental health problems in the past year, with many youth affected.  In adult populations, women are more likely than men to struggle. If this is so common, we need to start talking.  Which is why I love The Bloggess for going “live.”

A great thing about social networking is the truly social part-it’s informative, it’s fun and it can be supportive, like in this case. It can offer relief when you realize, “Oh, I’m not the only one.”  Especially if you’re feeling, in the words of Anne Lamott,  “My mind is a neighbourhood I try not to go into alone.”

Everyone’s mind can be a lonely neighbourhood, but there really are lots of neighbours in warm homes all  around- we just have to realize that.  Imagery aside, I’m not a doctor, so do see yours if your feelings are interfering with your ability to go about your every day routines.  Some mood swings are part of normal, and others do need assessment and help.

Really, you’re not the only one.

- Janet

PS-  My post on Positive Women’s Network last week discussed the criminalization of  HIV disclosure- is it working?

Image: iStock

The blog introduces the concept that sex won’t be necessary for making babies in the future. It profiles a scientist who suggests that as soon as 50 years from now, the majority of baby-making could be done via In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). Drag for the couples who enjoy the baby-making, I initially thought. I was relieved to read that the pleasures of sex weren’t being abandoned, but enjoying it as a path to a baby might be.

Developments in fertility medicine in my lifetime have been amazing. I remember the birth of Louise Brown, the world’s first “test tube baby” produced via IVF. It was huge international news. Now babies conceived through IVF are born every day. And it’s not just IVF that has become readily available (if you have the money). There are all kinds of options, from donor insemination to surrogacy.   

Age is a factor in fertility, but not necessarily an insurmountable one. Women in the course of perimenopause or even post menopause can carry babies to term with fertility procedures. It’s not always medically achievable, but it works for some.   

IVF is already considered standard procedure in some circles- will it become standard practice for all? Will my grandchildren be conceived in a glass? I have to think about that.  

-  Janet

Photo: digitalart / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Big Little Wolf did a great piece last week about the delights of being sexy over 50. And it referred to a couple of other pieces on the topic- clearly we’re not giving up on sex midlife. So why wouldn’t safe sex apply?

Perhaps people were shy about talking in public and they get their HIV and STI prevention information elsewhere (please). And that they’re using condoms or dams as needed. What concerns me is if people think it doesn’t apply to them.

Sex doesn’t stop as wrinkles appear. And neither does STI transmission, as illustrated by rising STI rates in older age brackets. Here’s hoping it was a scheduling issue more than anything.

- Janet

P.S.-  I didn’t talk about the new sex education guidelines in the US, because I already posted my thoughts over at Positive Women’s Network on Friday. I will just say, though, I hope they soar!

Photo: scottchan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I will go on about a recent read, though. Ami McKay’s The Virgin Cure was a holiday gift (thanks L) and I’ve just finished it. If you read McKay’s first novel, The Birth House, you know her writing is poetic and dances with difficult subjects. The Virgin Cure carries on.

The Virgin Cure tells the story of girls and women in 19th century New York, where restrictions were many and opportunities few. Moth, a twelve year old cast out into the streets, joins “the training” to become a whore (the word of the day). A caring female (!) doctor worries that Moth will be used for “the virgin cure” – a man’s attempt to rid himself of syphilis, which in those days was incurable.  

It is beautifully written, though its topic is hard to read. It reminded me of the recent “virgin cure” mythology that having sex with a virgin will cure HIV. This one is also untrue, but like the days of the syphilis cure, used nonetheless. Even babies have been raped in the attempt to find a cure. There is no cure for HIV, although there’s treatment that can make it almost medically bearable- the social stigma is a different thing.

Thanks goodness for women like Betty Makoni in Zimbabwe who founded the Girl Child Network to help survivors of sexual abuse who have been targeted for the virgin cure. I’m grateful she’s there for the after effect, but wish to all the power we humans have that this wouldn’t have to be the case.

Education about how HIV is transmitted, prevented and treated should be available to anyone and everyone. Providing our children and our adult selves solid comprehensive sexual health information is as necessary as teaching morals. I choose morals as that accompaniment specifically, as I’ve heard it claimed that teaching sex education goes against morals. I say that teaching someone how their body works and how disease/ illness can affect it is part of a larger conversation about how we care for ourselves and each other in the world, of which morals are a part.

But even with education, there are the gender imbalances. *Deep sigh.*

One lament per post.

A great read, reminder and reason for thorough sex education and standing up for kids’ rights, I do recommend The Virgin Cure. And resolve to continue in sex education and sexual health rights.

Janet

Loved this “Best of re:Cycling Blog” list  from the The Society for Menstrual Cycle research.  DO read the “Menopause isn’t for Dummies” post- good old Roseanne is at it for those of us in perimenopause.  

Best science crud of the year: Celebrities deliver “health” information. Thanks to colleague Robyn Sussel over at Signals for this one. 

Florida’s Sun Sentinel sums up the “Top Ten Sexual Health Events of 2011” Coverage on teens, boomer sexuality, sex education and living longer with HIV.
 
Happy New Year to all!

- Janet

Photo: winnond / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A wonderful woman is Pamela Madsen. As I’ve said before, we’re not related except in spirit,  so this isn’t a family plug. I love her writing: mid-life, aging, sexuality, honouring  yourself. Excellent thoughtful stuff.

If you’re looking for a few funny reads, do check out The Bloggess.for a view of the world from  Jenny Lawson. She is funny, at times rude, and dependably quirky. She writes on sex, parenting, and then, well, other stuff. Like Big Chickens. She writes for lots of folks, so you’re bound to find something that fits.

If neither of those women fit for the moment, there’s always Facebook.

Until next week, I raise a mint chocolate (no specific brand- I’ll comparison eat them all) and smile.

Janet

According to a recent report in MEDSURG Nursing Journal, rates of HIV and other STIs have increased in people over 40. Syphilis, Chlamydia, and gonorrhea are not at all uncommon. HPV is also on the rise.

Perhaps you’re already living with a viral STI like herpes or HIV. If that’s the case or if you’re trying to avoid STIs, safe sex know-how is important.

What exactly is safe sex? Safe sex is the best you can do to protect yourself and your partner(s) from sharing any STIs either of you might have. It includes behaviour choices and what we sexual health folk call “risk reduction”- handy tools like condoms or dental dams. Safe sex (or safer sex, which is more accurate) isn’t perfect- some STIs can be transmitted through skin to skin contact, like herpes and HPV. Which is why the conversation before sex is important.

Conversation can be the toughest part, as many women living with HIV can attest. But no matter what your STI status, an awkward talk about safe sex is better than none at all. Talking about your desires can include a point about feeling confident with condoms for any penetration (including oral) and dams for oral sex on you. As my nurse-friend Evelyn points out, it’s way better to talk about safe sex than to deal with an unhappy result after the fact, whether with your lover or at the doctor’s.

Risk reduction means doing things differently than you might have before- using condoms for penetration, for one. So what if you no longer can get pregnant? You can still get an STI and more folks our age are, especially with online dating all the rage.

Dating Confidential researcher Cindy Masaro (I’ve sung her praises before) and I recently talked. She’s finding it’s really interesting how women say they’ll have sex with someone they’ve met online soon after meeting them in real life. Even though they’ve shared all kinds of intimate info online, they haven’t talked about safe sex. The assumption that their new love “would have told me” is the general rationale.

Given that lots of people who have HIV don’t know it (here in Canada it’s estimated that 26% of people with HIV don’t know it yet), is this a rationale that seems wise? I’d say no.

If you’re still not convinced, consider this- with perimenopause and post-menopausally, our bodies change. We have less natural lubrication, which can make the tissue more likely to tear during penetration. That puts us at more risk for STI transmission.  

So talk to your guy or gal. It shows confidence and caring.

- Janet

Photo: Free Digital Images/ Markuso