Some may think talking about one’s personal demons so openly is a bad plan, but I think it’s a personal choice and really appreciate her honesty.  One of the things I track for You Should Know is articles on mental health and women. The focus at YSK on midlife and beyond can’t escape the emotional ups and downs of perimenopause, which can bring depression and/or anxiety. Both ends of that spectrum can be isolating and feel so shameful.  

A recent report says that one in five Americans have had mental health problems in the past year, with many youth affected.  In adult populations, women are more likely than men to struggle. If this is so common, we need to start talking.  Which is why I love The Bloggess for going “live.”

A great thing about social networking is the truly social part-it’s informative, it’s fun and it can be supportive, like in this case. It can offer relief when you realize, “Oh, I’m not the only one.”  Especially if you’re feeling, in the words of Anne Lamott,  “My mind is a neighbourhood I try not to go into alone.”

Everyone’s mind can be a lonely neighbourhood, but there really are lots of neighbours in warm homes all  around- we just have to realize that.  Imagery aside, I’m not a doctor, so do see yours if your feelings are interfering with your ability to go about your every day routines.  Some mood swings are part of normal, and others do need assessment and help.

Really, you’re not the only one.

- Janet

PS-  My post on Positive Women’s Network last week discussed the criminalization of  HIV disclosure- is it working?

Image: iStock

Several pieces in particular caught my attention in the past week. One was from the Jamaican Women’s Media Watch (WMW). They’ve launched a training manual for gender aware media. In the piece covering the release, training Coordinator Hilary Nicholson said,

“What used to be considered pornography or even soft porn, now reaches school children on their cell phones and it has become so everyday that we don’t even see it as soft porn, it’s just considered sexy.”

“Sexy” is used for selling everything. If you have your wits about you when watching a fifteen second commercial, it can be laughable how sexy women are used to sell the most unsexy things. I try to have my wits about me when watching TV with the kids, but honestly, I don’t always. After a long work day, picking up the kids, making dinner, returning phone calls, and all the stuff that goes into planning for the next day, my wits have often walked.

But I will be discussing these ones – Virginia over at Beauty Schooled posted an article on iVillage last week about bikini waxes being peddled to twelve year-olds. Twelve! I was thankful that Lissa Rankin and others retweeted my outrage when I first shared the post- the more energy for this issue, the better. Telling twelve year olds to reject their natural bodies before they’re even done developing follows the nasty hate-your-body theme. And you probably heard about retail chain H&M admitting they combine digital bodies and real heads to “create” their models. Un-real women. Again, not in a good way.

I am thankful for the many people talking about this stuff so we can support each other and our kids and  challenge these advertising norms. Helping my kids have analysis is important; helping change things is vital.

 - Janet

As the details of the murders at L’Ecole Polytechnique came out, the city reeled. It was a horrible time. Twenty-two years ago- a lifetime ago that those women will never know. They’d be middle aged like me now.

A friend of mine won’t speak the name of their murderer. “Why give him any more air time?” she asks. The focus should be on the women, not on perpetuating his name in Canadian history. It’s a tough piece of our history, for sure.

Sadly, violence against women occurs every minute of every day around the world. Girls and women are controlled via culture, society, finances, fists and weapons. They’re controlled by lack of sexual health education and sexual health services.  They’re abused through physical and sexual violence in all kinds of socially sanctioned relationships. Many girls and women in the world live their lives in fear.  

Twenty-two years ago in Montreal, women like me were afraid too. What had happened was way too close. I handed in a paper- late and lousy. My professor remarked that it wasn’t up to my usual style. I admitted that I’d been having a hard time since the shootings. He was flabbergasted, then immediately apologetic, saying I should have asked for more time. It hadn’t occurred to me, because the message to women is that we must always get on with things. Get along.  

Violence against women shouldn’t be bearable. We shouldn’t have to get along. It should be something the world fights against, for ourselves, our daughters, our sons.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of the women from Montreal. Take a minute to remember. Then, please, talk to someone about making change. If you’re in Vancouver, join Women Against Violence Against Women at the Vancouver Art Gallery. Look locally wherever you are, because people are trying to make change.Together we have to make a difference.

- Janet

Twenty years ago some visionary women set out to support women with HIV in Vancouver, BC. They were women with HIV and women from various backgrounds- nursing, social work, and education. They knew something needed to be done for women specifically, and their first meeting in the common room of a housing co-op led to the nationally recognized organization that Positive Women’s Network is today. Positive Women’s Network (aka PWN) not only provides support to women with HIV, they also develop education, prevention and health promotion info- like You Should Know. One of the big themes talked about back then was the stigma that women face, especially as members of intricate family units that centre around them.

Stigma still exists everywhere for women with HIV. A Canadian study of women revealed that stigma figures highly in their day to day lives, as do sexism and racism.  Women the world over report this. There is stigma in having HIV, and stigma in “bringing it into the family” whether this was the actual case or not. Women who discover their HIV status during pregnancy often bear the brunt of blame, as they receive the diagnosis their husbands haven’t sought.  

But women challenge stigma, and challenge the destruction that HIV brings. The Grandmothers to Grandmothers movement is a great example. Many grandmothers in African countries have to step back into parenting their orphaned grandchildren when adult children die of AIDS. Grandmothers here in Canada work to raise awareness of the need for this work and funds to support it through the Stephen Lewis Foundation. (Yes, that IS a plug to donate!)

Peer support is also an essential part of confronting HIV as it weaves through medical, political, socioeconomic, geographical, and intimately personal pieces of life. (Yes, that sentence is a challenge. – but so is living with HIV). Members at Positive Women’s Network say “PWN is a confidential and safe space created for women…it feels like a family, feels like going home.”

As one woman puts it, “Women heal women.”

But women can’t do this work alone. Women and men need to work together to change the shape of what it’s like to live with HIV. Many courageous and strong people do just that. As the Positive Women’s Network community contemplates the beginning our twenty-first year in “Challenging HIV. Changing Women’s Lives” we ask everyone to “Do something” on World AIDS Day. Learn about HIV; talk safer sex with those you care about, young and old. Share the humility that this could happen to any one of us – risk factors for HIV transmission are based on human vulnerabilities. Make sure you and your loved ones know how to prevent HIV and where to go for support should it be needed. Don’t deny- do something.

- Janet

 Photo: MorgueFile

Another edit of this post is on Positive Women’s Network

That’s the message behind a new campaign that was launched recently in Vancouver, a part of a larger project called Seek and Treat for Optimal Prevention of HIV/ AIDS. Its acronym is STOP, and the goal is to eliminate new HIV infection.  

Part of halting new infections is identifying current infections. The Public Health Agency of Canada estimates that about a quarter of Canadians who have HIV don’t know it. In the U.S., the estimate is that about one fifth of HIV+ folks don’t know.  

HIV can go undetected for many years because it doesn’t produce obvious symptoms, even though it is damaging the immune system. But because a person can have HIV for many years before being aware of it, they might transmit HIV unknowingly. You can’t tell from looking at someone whether or not they have HIV. If they don’t know, neither will you. This is where It’s Different Now comes in.

The campaign encourages people to get tested because HIV healthcare and management has changed dramatically – for testing, treatment and life. The test itself is being offered on a more routine basis. It’s not a judgment call about that slippery “lifestyle” concept, it’s framed as health screening that everyone should get.

For folks who do test positive, treatment may be suggested if their health warrants it. HIV treatment can have a huge impact on your health and that of your sex partner(s). HIV treatment reduces the amount of virus circulating in the blood (known as viral load) and slows the reproduction of HIV, giving the immune system a chance to recover. When viral load is under control, the likelihood of passing on HIV is reduced considerably, as I blogged about recently. Hence “treatment as prevention.”  

And treatment, if it’s needed, is simpler than ever before. For some people it can be as minimal as one pill a day, with few side effects. Life with HIV won’t mean you go on as before- of course it’s an adjustment. But you don’t have to worry as much about dying a premature death. With access to treatment,* many of the people diagnosed with HIV these days will live close to a normal lifespan.

Should you test positive, there’s more than medical support out there. Positive Women’s Network offers support for women with HIV in BC, and there are other organizations that do so elsewhere.  

If you haven’t been tested for HIV, check out the It’s Different Now website for information on why, how and when you can get tested. “We don’t think you’re special” reads the promo. In other words, just do the healthy thing.

Janet

*The worldwide challenge with treatment as prevention is that providing treatment is beyond the means of many countries and individuals. Individual advocates and organizations are working to address this, including the William J. Clinton Foundation. 

 December 1 is World AIDS Day. This year the UNAIDS theme is “Getting to Zero.” See the many intepretations.

I was angry, appalled and disheartened to read about the bras being sold for four year-olds. Seriously, what is up with that? I am so frustrated with the ongoing onslaught on little girls and boys by association. One is formed to be viewed and the other as the viewer. 

Oh sure, some may argue that kids looove dress up, and these tiny bras are just another part in the play. I don’t agree. Dress up in my mind involves things that are obviously a costume. The ads for these bras look like a uniform- one that is directed at children who are way too young to consider such a thing.  

Our girls and boys deserve to be children who are not sexualized by adults. They deserve to be grounded in their bodies, keen to messages of hunger, fullness, energy, fatigue. To have support in being comfortable and confident as their own sexuality emerges. And supported to express it as is age appropriate.

Yes, kids will explore their bodies sexually at four- it’s a normal part of development. But that doesn’t mean adults should sexualize girls in an adult way by slapping a bra on her to emphasize what will become sexual objects later in life (breasts solely as sex objects is another rant again).  

I have a daughter and a son, so I think about how these kinds of images and products affect them both. And I have to speak up, speak out.

- Janet

With thanks to Elena at The Illusionists for bringing this to my attention. She’s working on a film about the the pursuit of beauty and the body as a commodity.

 photo: Morguefile

When someone pushes ahead of you in a line up.

When a relationship hits a wall that demands reverse or ending.

In a pressure-cooker sexual situation. What would a nice girl do? Is that what seems right?

Etcetera.

Like so many women, I’ve wrestled with “nice” as I’ve made my way through the world so far. The messages men and women receive about “nice” differ. For women, it can mean “Be quiet, be compliant and don’t question.”  So, it was interesting to read Brian Goldman’s recent piece that suggested being nice might get me better healthcare.  

It makes sense: wouldn’t you care more for someone who communicates positively than for the person who is angry and complaining? Maybe so, but it shouldn’t be that way, as Goldman points out. He talks about the emotions of doctors influencing their work, even though they know it doesn’t jive with the profession.

The doctor-patient relationship is one full of uneven power. Your doctor knows things about health you probably don’t and is the gateway to healthcare beyond the office walls. This can put you in a vulnerable situation if you don’t agree with your doctor on a course of care or treatment. There may be times when you need to speak up, speak out and assert yourself. Which you might find yourself apologizing for if it doesn’t feel nice. 

A relationship with a doctor is like other relationships. It benefits from respectful communication; a clear understanding of what each other is saying and a willingness to see the other person’s side of things. But to get that understanding, you need to understand. So ask about what you don’t get. Research what you can to better assess your situation.

Respect your doctor by telling them the truth about what you know of your health and your feelings about a particular course of care. But remember they’re human too- they have stresses outside of those moments in the exam room, just like you.

So be nice. Or as nice as feels right.

- Janet

photo: iStock

Learning about our health is a lifelong process, as we’re always growing, shifting, aging, dealing with injuries and illness. And looking after our health can be difficult if we don’t have the information we need to make decisions. Being able to get easy-to-use information, interpret it for your circumstances, and make health decisions knowledgeably is health literacy.

Health literacy starts with a fundamental question- do you have the information you need? And this is where communication is so important. This can be part of a conversation but also applies to written information. Health information that supports health literacy is written so you can understand and use it. This isn’t always the case if you’re handed an information sheet on an illness or medication that is written in medical jargon. If you don’t understand your medical information, ask questions.

For instance,  a friend underwent surgery for vaginal prolapse. Her doc said it was “routine” and not a big deal. She assumed she’d be back at work in a couple of weeks, and at the end of those weeks felt something might be wrong because she was still so sore. When she called to clarify with doctor, he said to expect more like six weeks. “Routine” doesn’t mean it’s not a big deal, but both my friend and the doc missed that piece of communication pre-operatively.

Talking to your doctor or health care provider about what you need to know is essential. Telling your health care provider what he or she needs to know about you is essential too.

When it comes to your sexual health, it may feel awkward to admit you don’t know things, but better to ask for information than not have it at all. Have you talked to your doctor about sexual activity, and have you been tested or screened for STIs as needed? They won’t test or screen you for things they can’t imagine you’ll need, and unfortunately, assumptions can be made. I once interviewed a woman with HIV woman who said she had to insist her doctor test her, and when it came back positive, the doc was more surprised than she was.

If by chance a test does come back positive, do you know how the STI will be treated? Do you understand the directions and duration for treatment? You are your own best advocate.

Health literacy will continue our whole lives, whether we’re looking after ourselves or those in our communities. We can all be intimidated by doctors, so remember that you are the most important piece when getting care- your doctor‘s job is to support you. Asking for clarity is your right as you make your way down the road.

- Janet

I don’t think it’s going to happen to me tomorrow, or even in the next ten. I hope not. I’m in good health, I run with passion and frequency, I eat well. But I’m old enough to know that stuff doesn’t always “count.” I’m so lucky I live in Canada, where we have a health care system that means I can get care when I need it.

So I’m aware of the shoe, but I don’t embrace it. Corny as it sounds, I do try to live in the moment. I try to separate from the push of schedules to let my family and friends know how much I love them. Oh sure, there’s some eye rolling from the tween, but better to have her overloved than under.

My mom died suddenly and my dad died unexpectedly- another kind of sudden, over weeks instead of a day. I know I don’t have forever, and the shoe could drop anytime and change my ability to tell people that I love them, that I’m grateful, that I’m lucky. So I say it a lot now.

Are you aware of the shoe? What are you doing with that?

- Janet

One of them was a post by Pamela Madsen, one of my faves. She talked about tension between embracing her (large-ish) self as a way of healing and then facing the health implications that a weightier body can pose.

The other item was the outrage over American retailer JC Penney marketing a grossly offensive girl’s t-shirt that reads “I’m too pretty to do homework, so my brother has to do it for me.” I’m thrilled to say that JC Penney has withdrawn the t-shirt; a triumph for body image advocates.  But the fact that it was available is distressing.

Mirror, Mirror

Body image is an issue for women large and small. Big breasted, small-breasted, un-breasted by cancer, surgically enhanced. Big, small, wide, dimply butts. Thighs of proportions that displease us (no matter what they are). I won’t start on noses.

Body image is also an issue for girls. I’m all too aware of it as mine moves towards the teens. It’s something we talk about a lot- how advertisers and magazines promoting for advertisers impress how you must look.

Madsen’s piece is important because it discusses the work that so many of us struggle with: accepting how we look so that we can feel whole and live our lives with respect, rather than separating from our selves because we don’t meet some ideal.

Size no license to bash

I understand obesity is a health concern for an increasing number of people. But obesity isn’t just a lack of willpower that needs a “snap to it” response. There are many reasons people become obese, just as there are many reasons behind anorexia or bulimia. Some are social, some are socioeconomic. And some are scientific. For example, research is finding some are genetic or physical, including our pursuit of “comfort food” in times of stress.

Obesity is a complicated issue that needs more research and understanding. Those who are struggling with it deserve compassionate support rather than a whip snapping retort.

The success of pressuring JC Penney to remove the t-shirt from its stores is a sign that women don’t want the body image pressure to continue. And as we learn more about health in different sized bodies and how we can care for ourselves as we strive for balance, we can’t forget kindness for ourselves and each other. Whatever a girl or woman looks like, she’s way more than a picture.

- Janet

Check This Out: Interestingly, I also came across a piece last week that highlighted when women were pressured to gain weight: “True Beauty” was buxom.