My mom died before I had children, before I was even pregnant, actually. I’ve never been able to call her up so she can laugh about the latest parenting milestones I’ve reached. That’s been a huge drag many times; mostly because she deserves a huge fat thank you that I had no idea would be so justified.

Mom had a great piece of wisdom about parents and children that I’ve been thinking about lately. She felt it was important for me to have adults other than her to trust and confide in. She was that person for a friend’s daughter. She had no expectations around homework or house chores. She was the ears and heart her young friend needed.

So Mom had no problem with me confiding in the woman I babysat for, a nurse whose husband rode a motorcycle- far cooler than my parents. They were somewhat younger and totally separate from my life at school and home. They even lived in a different neighbourhood. They were lovely, funny people who treated me like the in-between creature that I was. Not a kid- I was looking after their sweet kid, for goodness sake. But full of worries and questions because I was not yet an adult. They teased me about crushes and didn’t get beefed when I ate all the cookies in the jar.

I have a couple of friends who would be wonderful for my girl that way. They’ve known her since she was a baby, but they have the luxury of arm’s length because they’re not family. And they are waaay hipper than me. We share beliefs around sex education, so if that ever comes up, my girl’s on good ground with them.

We are moving through, my girl and I. I want her to have support and good knowledge of sexual health, confidence in her own sexuality, and joy as her life unfolds. She’s an amazing kid, and I feel grateful she has loving adults besides her parents who are part of her life.

Thanks, Mom.

- Janet

Photo: Kakisky, MorgueFile

But will they be used? Microbicides could change the feel of sex- some formulations could be slick like lube, and others thicker, like contraceptive jelly. How will that play in the moment? Will people be open to the different sensations microbicides (might) offer? How will they feel in varied sex play that could include oral sex?

These are questions that researchers were urged to consider at last week’s conference. We all have our preferences of how we like sex. While it will be great to have new HIV prevention tools, acceptability and adherence are key issues to their success.  

You might say “Of course people would use them!” But think about condoms- they’re effective for preventing HIV and other STIs, yet they’re not always used because people prefer sex without them, even with STI risk (or denial). For those who grew up sexually in the time where the Pill was the answer to safe sex between men and women, adjusting to condoms was a shift (and still needs work, as rising STI rates in older populations show).

Condoms have been part of our sexual culture for thousands of years and they can still prompt complicated feelings. If you carry them, you might feel too forward.  Some people feel awkward about bringing up condoms and safe sex. Others say they just aren’t comfortable. Microbicides will enter this same taut fray of feelings.

I am super excited about the possibility of them – the more safe sex options we have, the better and more confident we can be. How we work them into sexual culture and comfort is as important as the products themselves. What are you willing to try for safe sex?

- Janet

 photo: iStock

Sharon’s pick was Brene Brown’s The Power of Vulnerability and mine was Susan Cain’s The Power of Introverts. They’re not about sexual health per se, but stick with me.

These two presentations spoke of individuality and community. Of embracing your own quirky self, along with worries and weaknesses. Of realizing that everyone gets stressed and anxious.

I really appreciated the talk about getting off the standard tracks of perfectionism and “ta da!” extroversion that we’re encouraged to embrace, often at the cost of our individuality. Breaking free from that thinking can change our lives. And here comes the sexual health part- breaking free from prescriptive ways of being can influence all parts of our lives for the better, sex included.

Give them a look/ listen. See what you think. And about how freeing yourself from prescription might be a benefit.

 - Janet

 photo: Morguefile

The past week was a lively one in the US, what with Utah busy banning sex education and determining a difficult future for their youth. Nothing like laying the groundwork for glory. This despite research that says sex education can help delay sexual debut until kids are a little older.

But it’s not just about numbers. The research says the difference isn’t just in timing of first sex; it’s also in the choice of partner. Kids who waited longer were more likely to choose a partner closer to their own age. For heterosexually minded girls, this is significant. Girls who enter relationships with boys or men older than them can be at a disadvantage. The likelihood of exposure to STIs is higher, given that older males will likely have had more sexual partners. Pair that with lower self esteem of younger girls in relationships with older guys and you have risks that I don’t like as a parent.

We all have bodies with hormones that affect us, especially in the teen years. If kids are educated about how their amazing bodies work, won’t they be all the better prepared to honour and enjoy them? Give kids sex education that talks about all the aspects of sexuality, including biology and relationship dynamics. We should talk about pressure and control, about online intimacy as it translates into real life, about birth control, STIs and sexual orientation. Doing any less is a disservice.

Janet

There is still a lot to take on- gender violence, equal rights, cultural “norms” that place girls and women behind men. Voting rights, control of money, property ownership, health care, and access to birth control options are all works in progress. These are just a few of the issues we have to take on. There’s a lot of work in progress.

And that is amazing. 

Women often face ongoing and frequently brutal adversity, but that doesn’t stop us. Women are resilient, resourceful, and passionate. 

Happy International Women’s Day to all women. To our girls- we’re working on a better future for you. 

Together. 

Janet 

Cross posted at Positive Women’s Network

photo: MorgueFile
 

Monique’s obviously thinking about this, as she is too aware of what can happen if you don’t tell someone you have a STI. When do you talk about safe sex? First date? Second date? Or do you presume the best, and figure he/she would tell you if STIs were a concern? Do you use condoms to avoid the discussion?

With so many women making connections through online dating sites, the pace of getting to know one another is different than it is when you meet someone in person from the start. You may chat online for weeks or months before actually meeting face to face. At that point, if the safe sex discussion hasn’t come up, negotiations may seem weird with someone you feel you know so well, as researcher Cindy Masaro is finding in her work on women’s online dating habits.

But feeling weird won’t make a difference when it comes to the transmission of STIs- microbes don’t measure feelings. This is an often ignored fact when people talk about HIV and other STIs being “judgments.”

I’ve read a number of pieces lately about online dating how-to’s and etiquette, including this one that says in bold: “Online dating is not a game.” Hear, hear. It’s real people with real feelings. And real sex lives, if the relationships get to that point. But I’ve yet to find an online dating  “how to” post with word about the sex talk. (If anyone finds one, please send it to me and I’ll tweet it far and wide.) There’s talk about physical safety, which is great, but not about safe sex.  

For those of us past the worries of pregnancy, or in relationships where pregnancy isn’t a possibility, safe sex could seem lower on the scale than passion when starting something new. But nothing kills passion like a STI. So when do you talk?

- Janet

photo: iStock

Big Little Wolf did a great piece last week about the delights of being sexy over 50. And it referred to a couple of other pieces on the topic- clearly we’re not giving up on sex midlife. So why wouldn’t safe sex apply?

Perhaps people were shy about talking in public and they get their HIV and STI prevention information elsewhere (please). And that they’re using condoms or dams as needed. What concerns me is if people think it doesn’t apply to them.

Sex doesn’t stop as wrinkles appear. And neither does STI transmission, as illustrated by rising STI rates in older age brackets. Here’s hoping it was a scheduling issue more than anything.

- Janet

P.S.-  I didn’t talk about the new sex education guidelines in the US, because I already posted my thoughts over at Positive Women’s Network on Friday. I will just say, though, I hope they soar!

Photo: scottchan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A wonderful woman is Pamela Madsen. As I’ve said before, we’re not related except in spirit,  so this isn’t a family plug. I love her writing: mid-life, aging, sexuality, honouring  yourself. Excellent thoughtful stuff.

If you’re looking for a few funny reads, do check out The Bloggess.for a view of the world from  Jenny Lawson. She is funny, at times rude, and dependably quirky. She writes on sex, parenting, and then, well, other stuff. Like Big Chickens. She writes for lots of folks, so you’re bound to find something that fits.

If neither of those women fit for the moment, there’s always Facebook.

Until next week, I raise a mint chocolate (no specific brand- I’ll comparison eat them all) and smile.

Janet

According to a recent report in MEDSURG Nursing Journal, rates of HIV and other STIs have increased in people over 40. Syphilis, Chlamydia, and gonorrhea are not at all uncommon. HPV is also on the rise.

Perhaps you’re already living with a viral STI like herpes or HIV. If that’s the case or if you’re trying to avoid STIs, safe sex know-how is important.

What exactly is safe sex? Safe sex is the best you can do to protect yourself and your partner(s) from sharing any STIs either of you might have. It includes behaviour choices and what we sexual health folk call “risk reduction”- handy tools like condoms or dental dams. Safe sex (or safer sex, which is more accurate) isn’t perfect- some STIs can be transmitted through skin to skin contact, like herpes and HPV. Which is why the conversation before sex is important.

Conversation can be the toughest part, as many women living with HIV can attest. But no matter what your STI status, an awkward talk about safe sex is better than none at all. Talking about your desires can include a point about feeling confident with condoms for any penetration (including oral) and dams for oral sex on you. As my nurse-friend Evelyn points out, it’s way better to talk about safe sex than to deal with an unhappy result after the fact, whether with your lover or at the doctor’s.

Risk reduction means doing things differently than you might have before- using condoms for penetration, for one. So what if you no longer can get pregnant? You can still get an STI and more folks our age are, especially with online dating all the rage.

Dating Confidential researcher Cindy Masaro (I’ve sung her praises before) and I recently talked. She’s finding it’s really interesting how women say they’ll have sex with someone they’ve met online soon after meeting them in real life. Even though they’ve shared all kinds of intimate info online, they haven’t talked about safe sex. The assumption that their new love “would have told me” is the general rationale.

Given that lots of people who have HIV don’t know it (here in Canada it’s estimated that 26% of people with HIV don’t know it yet), is this a rationale that seems wise? I’d say no.

If you’re still not convinced, consider this- with perimenopause and post-menopausally, our bodies change. We have less natural lubrication, which can make the tissue more likely to tear during penetration. That puts us at more risk for STI transmission.  

So talk to your guy or gal. It shows confidence and caring.

- Janet

Photo: Free Digital Images/ Markuso

Several pieces in particular caught my attention in the past week. One was from the Jamaican Women’s Media Watch (WMW). They’ve launched a training manual for gender aware media. In the piece covering the release, training Coordinator Hilary Nicholson said,

“What used to be considered pornography or even soft porn, now reaches school children on their cell phones and it has become so everyday that we don’t even see it as soft porn, it’s just considered sexy.”

“Sexy” is used for selling everything. If you have your wits about you when watching a fifteen second commercial, it can be laughable how sexy women are used to sell the most unsexy things. I try to have my wits about me when watching TV with the kids, but honestly, I don’t always. After a long work day, picking up the kids, making dinner, returning phone calls, and all the stuff that goes into planning for the next day, my wits have often walked.

But I will be discussing these ones – Virginia over at Beauty Schooled posted an article on iVillage last week about bikini waxes being peddled to twelve year-olds. Twelve! I was thankful that Lissa Rankin and others retweeted my outrage when I first shared the post- the more energy for this issue, the better. Telling twelve year olds to reject their natural bodies before they’re even done developing follows the nasty hate-your-body theme. And you probably heard about retail chain H&M admitting they combine digital bodies and real heads to “create” their models. Un-real women. Again, not in a good way.

I am thankful for the many people talking about this stuff so we can support each other and our kids and  challenge these advertising norms. Helping my kids have analysis is important; helping change things is vital.

 - Janet