Big Little Wolf did a great piece last week about the delights of being sexy over 50. And it referred to a couple of other pieces on the topic- clearly we’re not giving up on sex midlife. So why wouldn’t safe sex apply?

Perhaps people were shy about talking in public and they get their HIV and STI prevention information elsewhere (please). And that they’re using condoms or dams as needed. What concerns me is if people think it doesn’t apply to them.

Sex doesn’t stop as wrinkles appear. And neither does STI transmission, as illustrated by rising STI rates in older age brackets. Here’s hoping it was a scheduling issue more than anything.

- Janet

P.S.-  I didn’t talk about the new sex education guidelines in the US, because I already posted my thoughts over at Positive Women’s Network on Friday. I will just say, though, I hope they soar!

Photo: scottchan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A wonderful woman is Pamela Madsen. As I’ve said before, we’re not related except in spirit,  so this isn’t a family plug. I love her writing: mid-life, aging, sexuality, honouring  yourself. Excellent thoughtful stuff.

If you’re looking for a few funny reads, do check out The Bloggess.for a view of the world from  Jenny Lawson. She is funny, at times rude, and dependably quirky. She writes on sex, parenting, and then, well, other stuff. Like Big Chickens. She writes for lots of folks, so you’re bound to find something that fits.

If neither of those women fit for the moment, there’s always Facebook.

Until next week, I raise a mint chocolate (no specific brand- I’ll comparison eat them all) and smile.

Janet

According to a recent report in MEDSURG Nursing Journal, rates of HIV and other STIs have increased in people over 40. Syphilis, Chlamydia, and gonorrhea are not at all uncommon. HPV is also on the rise.

Perhaps you’re already living with a viral STI like herpes or HIV. If that’s the case or if you’re trying to avoid STIs, safe sex know-how is important.

What exactly is safe sex? Safe sex is the best you can do to protect yourself and your partner(s) from sharing any STIs either of you might have. It includes behaviour choices and what we sexual health folk call “risk reduction”- handy tools like condoms or dental dams. Safe sex (or safer sex, which is more accurate) isn’t perfect- some STIs can be transmitted through skin to skin contact, like herpes and HPV. Which is why the conversation before sex is important.

Conversation can be the toughest part, as many women living with HIV can attest. But no matter what your STI status, an awkward talk about safe sex is better than none at all. Talking about your desires can include a point about feeling confident with condoms for any penetration (including oral) and dams for oral sex on you. As my nurse-friend Evelyn points out, it’s way better to talk about safe sex than to deal with an unhappy result after the fact, whether with your lover or at the doctor’s.

Risk reduction means doing things differently than you might have before- using condoms for penetration, for one. So what if you no longer can get pregnant? You can still get an STI and more folks our age are, especially with online dating all the rage.

Dating Confidential researcher Cindy Masaro (I’ve sung her praises before) and I recently talked. She’s finding it’s really interesting how women say they’ll have sex with someone they’ve met online soon after meeting them in real life. Even though they’ve shared all kinds of intimate info online, they haven’t talked about safe sex. The assumption that their new love “would have told me” is the general rationale.

Given that lots of people who have HIV don’t know it (here in Canada it’s estimated that 26% of people with HIV don’t know it yet), is this a rationale that seems wise? I’d say no.

If you’re still not convinced, consider this- with perimenopause and post-menopausally, our bodies change. We have less natural lubrication, which can make the tissue more likely to tear during penetration. That puts us at more risk for STI transmission.  

So talk to your guy or gal. It shows confidence and caring.

- Janet

Photo: Free Digital Images/ Markuso

Several pieces in particular caught my attention in the past week. One was from the Jamaican Women’s Media Watch (WMW). They’ve launched a training manual for gender aware media. In the piece covering the release, training Coordinator Hilary Nicholson said,

“What used to be considered pornography or even soft porn, now reaches school children on their cell phones and it has become so everyday that we don’t even see it as soft porn, it’s just considered sexy.”

“Sexy” is used for selling everything. If you have your wits about you when watching a fifteen second commercial, it can be laughable how sexy women are used to sell the most unsexy things. I try to have my wits about me when watching TV with the kids, but honestly, I don’t always. After a long work day, picking up the kids, making dinner, returning phone calls, and all the stuff that goes into planning for the next day, my wits have often walked.

But I will be discussing these ones – Virginia over at Beauty Schooled posted an article on iVillage last week about bikini waxes being peddled to twelve year-olds. Twelve! I was thankful that Lissa Rankin and others retweeted my outrage when I first shared the post- the more energy for this issue, the better. Telling twelve year olds to reject their natural bodies before they’re even done developing follows the nasty hate-your-body theme. And you probably heard about retail chain H&M admitting they combine digital bodies and real heads to “create” their models. Un-real women. Again, not in a good way.

I am thankful for the many people talking about this stuff so we can support each other and our kids and  challenge these advertising norms. Helping my kids have analysis is important; helping change things is vital.

 - Janet

As the details of the murders at L’Ecole Polytechnique came out, the city reeled. It was a horrible time. Twenty-two years ago- a lifetime ago that those women will never know. They’d be middle aged like me now.

A friend of mine won’t speak the name of their murderer. “Why give him any more air time?” she asks. The focus should be on the women, not on perpetuating his name in Canadian history. It’s a tough piece of our history, for sure.

Sadly, violence against women occurs every minute of every day around the world. Girls and women are controlled via culture, society, finances, fists and weapons. They’re controlled by lack of sexual health education and sexual health services.  They’re abused through physical and sexual violence in all kinds of socially sanctioned relationships. Many girls and women in the world live their lives in fear.  

Twenty-two years ago in Montreal, women like me were afraid too. What had happened was way too close. I handed in a paper- late and lousy. My professor remarked that it wasn’t up to my usual style. I admitted that I’d been having a hard time since the shootings. He was flabbergasted, then immediately apologetic, saying I should have asked for more time. It hadn’t occurred to me, because the message to women is that we must always get on with things. Get along.  

Violence against women shouldn’t be bearable. We shouldn’t have to get along. It should be something the world fights against, for ourselves, our daughters, our sons.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of the women from Montreal. Take a minute to remember. Then, please, talk to someone about making change. If you’re in Vancouver, join Women Against Violence Against Women at the Vancouver Art Gallery. Look locally wherever you are, because people are trying to make change.Together we have to make a difference.

- Janet

Take this recent article presented at an American Heart Association meeting. It suggested that women who were severely sexually abused and/or raped as children were 62% more likely to have heart problems later in life. These problems related primarily to obesity, smoking, high blood pressure and alcohol use, factors which contribute to heart disease.

Obesity, smoking and alcohol use often fall into the blame game. If an individual doesn’t have enough willpower to triumph over addiction to food, cigarettes, or booze, they are to blame for the troubles they bring. It’s all about “kicking the habit.” But what’s behind “the habit”?

When looking at health habits alone, the back story can be overlooked. Influences like sexual or physical abuse, growing up in a violent environment, family estrangement, racism, sexism, or other events and cultural pressures can impact health immediately, and as people age. The mechanisms to sustain emotional and mental functioning in adult life may be the same things that undermine physical health in the long run.

Thankfully, these researchers did acknowledge the relationship of sexual violence and abuse as they relate to heart health factors later in life. They said more needs to be learned about the social, psychological and medical effects of sexual abuse and what kind of interventions and support are needed.

It’s important to recognize the whole picture of health whether a woman has a history of abuse or not.  We are not habits alone; and we have many conflicting pressures that affect our choices. Take good look at your health but don’t beat yourself up. See if you can get the support to alter the focus.

Janet

Photo: Morguefile

I was angry, appalled and disheartened to read about the bras being sold for four year-olds. Seriously, what is up with that? I am so frustrated with the ongoing onslaught on little girls and boys by association. One is formed to be viewed and the other as the viewer. 

Oh sure, some may argue that kids looove dress up, and these tiny bras are just another part in the play. I don’t agree. Dress up in my mind involves things that are obviously a costume. The ads for these bras look like a uniform- one that is directed at children who are way too young to consider such a thing.  

Our girls and boys deserve to be children who are not sexualized by adults. They deserve to be grounded in their bodies, keen to messages of hunger, fullness, energy, fatigue. To have support in being comfortable and confident as their own sexuality emerges. And supported to express it as is age appropriate.

Yes, kids will explore their bodies sexually at four- it’s a normal part of development. But that doesn’t mean adults should sexualize girls in an adult way by slapping a bra on her to emphasize what will become sexual objects later in life (breasts solely as sex objects is another rant again).  

I have a daughter and a son, so I think about how these kinds of images and products affect them both. And I have to speak up, speak out.

- Janet

With thanks to Elena at The Illusionists for bringing this to my attention. She’s working on a film about the the pursuit of beauty and the body as a commodity.

 photo: Morguefile

When someone pushes ahead of you in a line up.

When a relationship hits a wall that demands reverse or ending.

In a pressure-cooker sexual situation. What would a nice girl do? Is that what seems right?

Etcetera.

Like so many women, I’ve wrestled with “nice” as I’ve made my way through the world so far. The messages men and women receive about “nice” differ. For women, it can mean “Be quiet, be compliant and don’t question.”  So, it was interesting to read Brian Goldman’s recent piece that suggested being nice might get me better healthcare.  

It makes sense: wouldn’t you care more for someone who communicates positively than for the person who is angry and complaining? Maybe so, but it shouldn’t be that way, as Goldman points out. He talks about the emotions of doctors influencing their work, even though they know it doesn’t jive with the profession.

The doctor-patient relationship is one full of uneven power. Your doctor knows things about health you probably don’t and is the gateway to healthcare beyond the office walls. This can put you in a vulnerable situation if you don’t agree with your doctor on a course of care or treatment. There may be times when you need to speak up, speak out and assert yourself. Which you might find yourself apologizing for if it doesn’t feel nice. 

A relationship with a doctor is like other relationships. It benefits from respectful communication; a clear understanding of what each other is saying and a willingness to see the other person’s side of things. But to get that understanding, you need to understand. So ask about what you don’t get. Research what you can to better assess your situation.

Respect your doctor by telling them the truth about what you know of your health and your feelings about a particular course of care. But remember they’re human too- they have stresses outside of those moments in the exam room, just like you.

So be nice. Or as nice as feels right.

- Janet

photo: iStock

Learning about our health is a lifelong process, as we’re always growing, shifting, aging, dealing with injuries and illness. And looking after our health can be difficult if we don’t have the information we need to make decisions. Being able to get easy-to-use information, interpret it for your circumstances, and make health decisions knowledgeably is health literacy.

Health literacy starts with a fundamental question- do you have the information you need? And this is where communication is so important. This can be part of a conversation but also applies to written information. Health information that supports health literacy is written so you can understand and use it. This isn’t always the case if you’re handed an information sheet on an illness or medication that is written in medical jargon. If you don’t understand your medical information, ask questions.

For instance,  a friend underwent surgery for vaginal prolapse. Her doc said it was “routine” and not a big deal. She assumed she’d be back at work in a couple of weeks, and at the end of those weeks felt something might be wrong because she was still so sore. When she called to clarify with doctor, he said to expect more like six weeks. “Routine” doesn’t mean it’s not a big deal, but both my friend and the doc missed that piece of communication pre-operatively.

Talking to your doctor or health care provider about what you need to know is essential. Telling your health care provider what he or she needs to know about you is essential too.

When it comes to your sexual health, it may feel awkward to admit you don’t know things, but better to ask for information than not have it at all. Have you talked to your doctor about sexual activity, and have you been tested or screened for STIs as needed? They won’t test or screen you for things they can’t imagine you’ll need, and unfortunately, assumptions can be made. I once interviewed a woman with HIV woman who said she had to insist her doctor test her, and when it came back positive, the doc was more surprised than she was.

If by chance a test does come back positive, do you know how the STI will be treated? Do you understand the directions and duration for treatment? You are your own best advocate.

Health literacy will continue our whole lives, whether we’re looking after ourselves or those in our communities. We can all be intimidated by doctors, so remember that you are the most important piece when getting care- your doctor‘s job is to support you. Asking for clarity is your right as you make your way down the road.

- Janet

I do remember though: it was just last week. My daughter fled from the room when I started talking about safe sex and using condoms.

Hmm, perhaps my message didn’t get through.

I’ve been talking to both my kids about how babies are made since they were toddlers. And talked to them about their bodies, correct body terms and about sex. But have they heard me? Have I taught them?

In the grand scheme of this parenting adventure, I’m reminded all the time that learning goes in cycles and often bears repeating based on circumstances and developmental age. A toddler learning to walk. A kid learning to speak. These days, the intricate navigation of friendships and school challenges.  My kids constantly lead me to parental revelations. Even the ones that are hard to take.

I may have talked to my daughter about reproduction, body parts and taking care of herself, but what that meant at three, six and ten is different than what it means to her these days as she approaches her teen years.

What have I said that has meaning to her now, in the hormonal ups and downs of puberty? Have I given her enough information about birth control so she’ll have it should she need it? (If she’s keen on boys. I don’t care who she loves, but would prefer much later than sooner on any kind of heartbreak).

If she doesn’t need birth control info in her relationships, does she have it to share with her friends? If I don’t share the info, who will? And most importantly, will it be correct?

So I have to think on that. And start the conversation again.

Maybe it won’t be aloud. 

My friend Ellie who has two girls older than mine, recommends note writing as an option with reluctant or shy kids. Tell your kid there’s a box in the kitchen where she can leave notes with her questions. And tell her she can indicate how she wants the response- note or conversation? It works for Ellie.

Whatever tack I take, I want both my kids to have info on birth control, safe sex, healthy sex and the right to say what they do and don’t want. I want them to have a sense of meaning beyond sex: the connections it can create for life.

Getting on that for this age and stage. And I’m sure the conversation will continue. 

- Janet

iStock photo